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CounterPunch
September
24, 2002
The American
Century
by Chet Batsmack, American
Here's what you Europeans fail to understand.
I'll give it to you real simple because I know some of you folks
are still struggling with your indigenous languages. Everybody
says the 20th Century is "The American Century". This
kind of shuts us down before we even get up a head of steam,
doesn't it? Because I just shot a glance at my Old Glory desk
calendar and it says this is the year 2002. So the American
Century is over, by your lights. In a pig's eye, Hoss. The
American Century has only just begun, and we're fixing to make
it last a thousand years.
Europeans have this nasty habit of treating
us Americans like a bunch of hayseed rubes, like we never been
to the opera. So what? The opera is just a bunch of fat people
yodeling. America is a sophisticated country, but in a down-home
way. And if our culture is so godawful bad how come you all
keep lapping it up? You don't like our way of doing things,
take off them blue jeans and quit watching action movies. I
go to Germany and the cable TV in the hotel is five channels
of Baywatch and one channel of infomercials for swinger's clubs.
Where's the other two hundred channels? We got plenty more
shows. Lately I don't hear that many complaints about the culture,
though. You got a new beef, and it makes me mad. I'd like to
bust you Europeans upside the heads for it. For a bunch of people
who managed to squeeze in two World Wars inside of thirty years,
you sure get worked up when the US of A decides to throw a war
of its own.
We were there for you when Germany got
sick of watching Baywatch and decided to roll into France. At
least we showed up eventually. We did this twice, as I recall,
and saved some Limey butts along the way, and all those little
countries around the edges. And Poland, I think. Who got all
the Jews? We did. We spent fifty years getting Russia off your
backs, and that wasn't any damn picnic either. Good old-fashioned
American know-how. Sticktuitiveness, ever heard that word?
Probably not. It's a uniquely American idea, and it means a
quitter never wins and a winner never quits. We're not quitting
now, just because everybody but Tony Blair doesn't get what we're
doing in the Middle East. And what are we doing? We're opening
up a fresh can of Whupass and sprinkling it all around, that's
what. We know what's good for that region. Shake those places
up. They're like pimples, and they need squeezing-and what's
more, we'll take the oil that squirts out and we'll burn it for
free, how's that for a stand-up kind of country? That's America.
It's about time we had an empire, because we know how to do
things right.
While you nellies are sitting around
at the UN with your legs crossed like you have to pee, we're
mounting a war effort without any help. We're putting our kids
on the line. I don't know what the French word for "bomb"
is, and I guess we won't be finding out anytime soon. All of
a sudden we're "unilateral". How about some of you
Italians shine up those carbines and join us in the desert?
Then it'll be a "multilateral" campaign, and you can
all shut up. And don't start this whining about needing some
kind of reason for the war, how about Saddam Hussein is a creep,
is that reason enough? You all started World War One because
the Archduke Ferdinand (whoever he was) showed up in Sarajevo
without a flak jacket on. One tiny little terrorist attack,
and the whole joint goes up in flames for four years. We got
our clocks cleaned last year, and you expect us to niggle around
with all these little details like whether Saddam was directly
involved with it, or if he wasn't, does he have the capability
to strike at us? I mean just look at the guy, he's got one eyebrow
on his forehead and another one under his nose, what more do
you need? He's obviously some kind of maniac. When the Iraqi
army shows up in Belgium, don't ask the USA to save your women
and children. Not if you weren't there in the Gulf with us in
2002.
And no more sneering about wagging the
damn dog. That's what Democratic "Presidents" do when
they get caught with their hand in the Tillie. Our man George
W. is an upstanding, Christian, God-fearing Republican gentleman,
but he doesn't fear anything but God. I mean sure, he was scared
out of his wits on 9/11 (who wasn't?) and he won't come clean
about all those complicated business deals, like anybody could
even understand them! But you can't tell me that these things
make him less of a great guy, and there's no chance he could
morally conscience fighting an entire war to distract us just
because our economy is in the toilet and there's a tidal wave
of scandals coming at him. He's not scared. His legacy will
endure. Even if he was worried, I bet he'd have his reasons.
You Europeans think a President has to be some kind of intellectual
genius to run the world. I'm here to tell you that is a lie.
George W. Bush will lead our nation out of the Clinton-inspired
recession and into the blistering hot deserts of that godforsaken
land on the Persian Gulf, and he will probably be in the first
tank into Baghdad, or at least in spirit, because obviously seeing
as we're getting no help watching our backs from the so-called
"allies" he'll probably have to stay in a bunker in
the Homeland just to make sure Saddam doesn't sneak up on him
from behind with a shiv in his hand.
President Bush is fighting this war for
darn good reasons that even he seems to have forgotten, since
you all made him jump through hoops until his head spins even
though it's his God-given right to take out Camel Jockey Number
One: forget weapons inspections, and terrorism, and all that-
this war is about freedom. Saddam hates our freedoms, even worse
than Osama Bin Loser. Forget about him, too. He may not be
dead, but he's as good as dead. It's not like he can show up
in America and expect to get away with it. He's as yesterday
as Al Gore. So never you mind about him, it's Saddam we're after.
And when the Bully of Baghdad goes down, which shouldn't take
too long since his army is only a fifth the size it was when
we worked him over last time, maybe we'll straighten out these
jokers in Iran. You think we forgot about that? No way, José.
Then look out, Saudis, because we can read a passport as good
as the next guy, and there were a lot of damn terrorists from
your neck of the woods.
And I'm warning you Europeans on behalf
of the entire United States: any more funny business out of you,
and we'll see who's next. I'd brush up my English, if I were
you. And don't be calling it that, either. We talk American,
from now on. This is still the American Century. We'll tell
you when it's over.
[Dictated to Ben Tripp.]
Chet and Ben can be reached at: credel@earthlink.net
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Steve Hendricks
Wild,
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Philip Farruggio
Democratic
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Rep. Cynthia McKinney
Another
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Rev. Robert Bowman
What Would
Jesus Do?
Lawrence Davidson
Web
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Six Weeks
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September
21 / 22, 2002
Alexander
Cockburn
An Entire
Class
of Thieves
Tom Gorman
The Press & Sabra
and Shatila
Amelia Peltz
Anniversary with Life
in Palestine
Susan Martinez
By the Hand
of the Father
Ben Tripp
Advice from
a Polemicist
Adam Engel
From Above:
Forgetting bin Laden
Chris Clarke
The Ann Coulter Test
Tariq Ali
Doing as the
Romans Did
Mokhiber / Weissman
The Bush Victory
in Iraq
Ralph Nader
Greed Without Limits
Thomas Croft
The Life of Jim Cummings
Anthony Gancarski
Concerned Citizen:
a serialized Novel,
Episode One
Wolff, Dailey, Metres
& St. Clair
Poet's Basement
September
20, 2002
Joan Hoff
Debating
War:
the Forgotten Tradition
Norman Madarasz
Lessons from a Cyncial Master Jean
Chretien's
New York State of Mind
Mitchel Cohen
Toxic Wastes
and
the New World Order
Peter Lee
Why Bush
Wants This War
Bruce Jackson
20 Questions
About Bush's
War Against Arabs
Krystal Kyer
Greenwashing the Marketplace
September
19, 2002
Ron Jacobs
Cheney's
Vermont Breakfast
Ilija Trojanow
/ Ranjit Hoskote
Who Cares
for Human Rights?
It's a "Just" War
Jordy Cummings
How
to Silence
Pro Palestinian Voices
Salam Rahal
The Rape
of a Nation
Richard Falk
& David Krieger
War with
Iraq:
It's Not Bush's Decision
Ralph Nader
How Congress
Can Fight Corporate Crime
Kurt Nimmo
Bush Senior:
Hating Saddam, Selling Him Weapons
September
18, 2002
Rep. Cynthia
McKinney
Goodbye
to All That
Jeffrey St.
Clair
Cancerous
Air
Born Under a Bad Sky
Ben Tripp
Smoking
Gun
of a Hatchet Job
Peggy Thomson
20 Years
After:
Sabra and Shatila
Thomas Mountain
September
1982
Sabra and Chatila (Poem)
William Cook
Yet Another
Bush Doctrine
Kathleen Christison
Israel's Other Voices
Resources:
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By
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Whiteout:
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Press
by Alexander
Cockburn
and Jeffrey St. Clair
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